31 OCTOBER, 2021
i feel better now happy halloween everyone. the world is mean for making it on a sunday. last halloween i was meant to spend it with matthew but it turned out he was cheating on me i wanted to show him natural born killers. i didn't update yesterday because my boyfriend was sleeping over. i was supposed to lose my virginity but i got too anxious and backed out. i do not want to lose it because it is the only purity i have left. today i woke up at 9 because i kept having bad dreams over and over then i went outside and then went to my boyfriend's house and hugged his cat and watched creep. his cat's name is butters. we then walked to the river but i was wearing these heel boot things since i wanted to pretend to be courtney love for the day. my feet hurt so bad it was such a long walk. when we got there i tried to break up with him but he talked me out of it so we're okay now. i was planning on slitting my wrists and bleeding out in the shower tonight but i changed my mind i still think about it a lot. everyone hates me so i should just die.
i go back to school tomorrow but people make fun of me so i'm scared they're all scary. in good news my neighbors cat greeted me when i got home and he let me pat him and he rubbed himself all over my bag so now there is catfur all over my bag. i really want a black cat i would name it foot-foot like the one from Gummo. my eyes hurt i haven't been getting a lot of sleep recently it sucks . anyways i am in so much pain and i just want to die. hope everyone is having a good halloween make sure to listen to october rust by type o negative okkk bye!!!! v
29 OCTOBER, 2021
i got my second vaccine yesterday and now i have a fever aching arms legs back ears mouth i want to die. i had a dream that i got raped by someone i know and it was so vivid and real i woke up with a sick
stomach and tried to drink some apple juice but almost made me throw up. i didn't get any sleep. today has been
really horrible. i kept having nightmares about my worst fears and have been dealing with this stupid fever all day i keep getting really hot but then really chilly. it just isn't fair. i've started writing an auto-biography. my boyfriend is sleeping over tomorrow. yes, we're still together because i'm stuck and have no one else so i
have no choice. i just want someone to love me truly and not lie to me but i guess that's too good to be true. i've spent all day in pain and sleeping. i ate some pasta. i wish i had brownies. or cookies. in the morning
i went into the mall which was a mistake because it made the pain worse. but i bought some cds that include
around the fur - white pony - blue banisters and dirt by aic. i also bought a silverchair CD for my bf because
he is obsessed with them right now and i'm a lovely girlfriend. okay that's all goodbye everyone.
19 OCTOBER, 2021
last night i almost got the cops called on me and was screamed at. nothing can make me feel worse than i have already felt for so long. people have no power over me. i refuse to let them. no one will make me feel bad, or guilt me. i’ll do it back, and then see how it feels. people make me angry. over and over again they disappoint me. i have a right to act how i do, because of them. no one i know is true, they don’t know who they are and they don’t know who i am and i don’t know who they are. they deserve nothing, i deserve nothing. i can’t decide if i want power or if i just want to give up completely, let everyone do whatever they want to me. and i won't fight. i'll just take it all, revel in it. i just want someone to kill me. get in a car crash or something so people could just forget about me. no one knows who i am and that makes me upset.
16 OCTOBER, 2021
hi friends. i want to kill myself. last night i found out that my boyfriend jerked off to pictures of his cousin literally a week before we saw each other for the first time in four months. i am all alone again, with no one, because he was my only one. i wish i could find the boy i used to know. the one i made all the nice memories with. like our first date at the river, where he sang me my favorite smashing pumpkins song. who would do this? i wanted to forgive him but it's impossible. i feel hopeless and disposable. i'm not good enough to love, or something like that, or i don't have a pretty face or a nice body. i just feel like nothing at all. but i'm listening to rammstein to make myself feel better. i'm also reading a mothers reckoning by sue klebold again. i bet
dylan wouldn't do that to someone.god. someone kill me. the song 'shame' by the pumpkins really describes how i feel right now.
7 OCTOBER, 2021
i got my first vaccine shot today and it hurt so bad and i almost threw up in the waiting room after and
i couldn't breathe so i walked back to the car even though you're supposed to wait there for 15 mins.
i am ok now but my arm hurts and still feel slightly sick. i hope it will go away soon. i can't really
eat because of the sick feeling. however i bought muffins on the way home because i was craving cake.
right now i'm writing this and listening to deftones. oh also i
slammed my dumb pinkie finger in my door
today and it bled. and i fed an ant some of my rice cracker.