23 NOVEMBER, 2021
i lost my virginity today. and then cried after. and then went out for a ciggarette. it felt good but now i'm scared of being used, not being good and pure anymore, all those other things. i feel horrible, but good at the same time. i feel dirty. i want to drown myself in a river to be clean again. God is mad at me i can tell. i need to see a pshyoglist for all my paranoia and anxiety. i also need money quick so i can get weed. but my mum isn't working much anymore so no money. that;s why i need a job so bad but i don't know where to start i hope that i will not be punished like before. i am a bad girl.
17 NOVEMBER, 2021
in the span of one and a half days i spilt coffee on my laptop and broke it and just today got a new one which i feel terrible about it but i will get over it. i hope mum doesn't tell dad. im going to get yelled at. i know it was my fault she doesn't need to keep yelling at me. recently it's gotten worse her maniuplation. im reminded of how much i hate her and how rocky our relatipnship is. not one conversation we can get by without arguing. and everything is always my fault. anyways i'm happy i think. i went thrift shopping the other day and got cute clothes and a sweater that reminds me of audrey horne. i might be getting a casual job soon so more independence for angel, and money. j managed to buy his own pack of ciggarettes without them checking his ID! they just gave them to him!!! so i'm happy with that. hehe. more cancer for angel. i have to drive 10 hours to queensland during christmas to see my dying oma. i dont really want to go but i think it will be a fun and nice memory to look back on. might get high for the first time soon, if that is signifiant. i have worries about it because i get sad a lot and might end up using it as a coping mechanism to escape this boring cycle i have found myself stuck in. just need something, someone. well i do have someone. but i'm happy. i'm very happy, you won't even believe it. happy birthday to J's dad. :D
15 NOVEMBER, 2021
lots of stuff happened today me and boyfriend left school early and went to a river we saw a guy take a shit in the water but. anyways we got on a long bus and listeend to nicole then got on a train to the city but i hatted the the city it was full of rich snobs in their stupid expesnive apartments and too crowded. but we couldn't leave straight away because i needed to take my birth control pill so we waited in this grass area but there was this screaming lady next to us who was crying and preaching i think she was on meth. the train ride was long and i got sad and then angry was supposed to go to boyfriends house but his dad got angry at him so we sat in another park as we argued and i cried. there was this black guy smoking weed next to us i think. i love australia. i kind of wanted to ask him for a sip of his wine i think laura palmer would have done that. anyways the day ended shortly i got picked up by my mum at five i was pretty depressed. then i had a pounding headache and took a nap i woke up around 10 and here i am now. hope everyone is having a good day bye.
12 NOVEMBER, 2021
i have a feeling god is going to punish me really badly soon.
yesterday me and boyfriend found a dead bird that got run over its eye was popping out and gross guts
of it were on the floor it was still twitching when we found it so we wanted to get a rock and kill it but
couldn't find anything. i hope the bird is ok.
9 NOVEMBER, 2021
my mumma got her car fixed. today was boring. my boyfriend came over at 2pm. we went to the store and bought treats. we spent some time outside smoking and talking about imporant things. it made me happy. now i'm watching twin peaks. that also makes me happy. i think i have a lipton ice tea addiction. nothing else now. bye. :)
8 NOVEMBER, 2021
i went to school today but left early again. i wore a shirt that showed my stomach and jeans. old men catcalled me from their cars and another old guy came up to me smiled and said hello. it was scary i don't ever want to leave my house again. at least they find me attractive enough to harrass. maybe. but it was scary. anyways my boyfriend dyed my hair a brownish/blonde today and i feel beautiful. now i'm listening to nicole dollanganger and writing this. i still miss bonnie she was so kind. but also mean. but i loved her. i'm somewhat happy i think. i am watching a war movie on the tv the soliders are scary. my boyfriend is obsessed with hitler right now and he read mein kampf in school today it was very funny. my ED is getting worse i don't ever want to eat because then i can't be beautiful anymore. no one really likes me much not even my boyfriend but i'm fine with it. if people want to use or take advantage of me then i don't care. it's probably all i'm good for anyway. i smoked so much today it seems whenever i smoke one ciggarette i just can't stop. from now on i'm living on a diet of ciggarettes and black coffee. oh and no school tomorrow because my mum's back tire popped or something. she can't even drive to the store or anything. that's it bye bye.
6 NOVEMBER, 2021
sorry for not writing for a bit my boyfriend slept over yesterday. a lot of stuff happened. it seems we fight every day now and almost break up but he always talks me out of it in the end. i love him so much i want to be as close to him as possible. today i missed bonnie. i found out j was watching these asmr videos with girls in them where they pretended to kiss him and stuff so i told him i wanted to end things he got a little mad but we made up
i'm so exhausted i just want to sleep all day. i consider becoming a hooker so people will want me.i want attention so bad every day. i think i really am just a terrible person. i'm too tired to write anymore. good night bye bye.
3 NOVEMBER, 2021
i was going to slit my wrists while my mum was at work today, i wasn't going to tell anyone not even J. i just can't stop thinking about it. i love suicide it is so beautiful. slitting my wrists is always my dream but it hurts so bad and is painful and slow so i just wish i had a gun. i'd put a pink bow on it. moved my bed today so more space in my room. got rid of desk. oma is going to die soon but i don't want to see her like that it's going to make me even more depressed. she has stage 4 cancer. i ate a lot today i had two sandwiches a cookie some rice popcorn and fruit. i am so fat and ugly i want to get rid of the hot ball of food digesting in my stomach. it's going to rain all week so yay. im tired so going to sleep now. bye bye :D
2 NOVEMBER, 2021
today i went to school again and it was so boring i cried in front of the people in my class so they probably think i'm even more weird now. finally got some work done then went home at 11.30. me and mum went to the mall i bought some new clothes at target and i bought cute bras and cute panties. then my boyfriend came over we smoked and watched birds. he just went home. i think i'm content with this routine. i just want to go to school leave hang out with bf listen to music shower and sleep. i am happy but sad now because i lost my earphones. i feel pretty in my new nightgown.