Orange Angel Wing Heart

20 JANUARY, 2022
hey. can i talk to anyone? just had a giant fight with my boyfriend. think it's really over now. i haven't stopped crying for almost five hours. i find small things hard. we've only had each other for about 10 months now, and today he was added to a groupchat by his old old old friend and he's talking to them a lot so i had a giant episode and cut myself and begged him to leave it because i thought he was going to leave me there were also girls in the group chat so i got so fucking upset. i still am. im thinking of turning religious again because i need something in my life. im trying to listen to rammstein to feel better. just remember that i love you everyone. here is my discord, if you want to talk: bonnie#7723
16 JANUARY, 2022
this morning i woke up with the worst stomach pain and thought i was going to throw up so i went to the kitchen and got water and my head pounded so bad and i was boiling hot. my nausea wouldn't go away but in good news i didn't puke my guts up. i ate spring rolls and starburst today. it's my dads birthday and he got mcdonalds but i hate fast food it gives me anxiety about food poinsioning. i'm listening to rammstein again. everyone who views my site is probably thinking 'u dont need to update your diary every day if ur just doing minimal things' and i agree but i have nothing else to do and i love to code. i might make a rammstein shrine just because i am in love. bye bye.

15 JANUARY, 2022
after we dropped my boyfriend home i was listening to try try try by the pumpkins and the sky was grey and there was thunder and i saw bats and felt content but in the back of my mind i still felt empty and miserable and i know it's because of the people in my life. but would i rather stay with them and not be alone something im terrified of, or finally break free of this self-destrutive cycle i've put myself in and maybe get happiness. i'm planning on finally seeing psychologist soon and i think that will help even though i hate them sometimes. i always think someone is out to get me. and i always need to play the victim for some reason so i never tell the truth. it honestly makes me feel terrible but everything does i think. i hope talking to him or her will make me feel better and i will get the courage to leave the things and habits i have behind. i love u everyone. it's my dad's birthday tomorrow and i am not looking forward to it. i will never forget about how he said he was sick of me and what i've done after stuff that my brother did to me came out. he does not care. no matter how i try. but he doesn't even exist in my mind anymore. so its ok. i love you everyone.

14 JANUARY, 2022
i am sitting in my own rot, or something like that. i just feel digusting. his test came back negative. things are getting worse. too much to even explain. i feel like im spiralling too much. i feel hopeless i feel tired i haven't been this depressed in so long. im eating too much, i miss the comfort of my eating disorder and the control of counting calories. i'm supposed to be better, and recovered, but no one is noticing that everything is still so disorded. me and j went to mini golf yesterday. it was fun, but in the back of my mind i'm always so miserable living within myself. i guess it sounds stupid. i drank whiskey for the first time and it sucked. i think i just hate alcohol, like a lot. it never does anything good for me, not anything. i feel sick a lot recently. im obsessed with full house right now for some reason, and that's the only happiness in my life now. it's raining. im happy. im always happy. but i dont know who i am.

7 JANUARY, 2022
j's dad needed to take a covid test so he can't come over until he gets it back. his dad also got me shirts with guns on them so i could scare off men. i want to change my website around, like edit pages and stuff because i'm a very bored lady. right now im listening to BBM baby by lana del rey. my hands never stop feeling dirty no matter how much i wash them. there's currently a cockroach on the loose in my house right now. i cried so hard about it last night. im always scared of something. humid today. mmmm. :(.

2 JANUARY, 2022
i haven't wrote in a long time. i keep meaning to, but then i forget. my birthday was okay. i dont like being fifteen. me and j went to an arcade, i bought station to station on vinyl (and a rammstein CD and david bowie cd). j also got me a david bowie CD, ziggy stardust. a few days before my birthday he cheated again. i hit him kind of bad. oh and we also got ice cream. i had to spend a week at my grandparents while my parents went to queensland. it was so bad. i was barely eating, extremely homesick, i think i cried every day. my mental stuff has been getting worse. when i came back, j slept over for three days. we went in the pool a lot but he got sunburnt. we hung out with our cat friend. we went to a candy store and got those bean boozle jelly beans and cool 1950-esque drinks. i am obsessed with david bowie right now. and rammstein. they are all i listen to right now. new years was okay. me and j sat outside with my mum, she gave us alcohol but it sucked. we then went to a park and went on the swings. we ate pizza. the rest of the night we did sparklers and poppers. there were lots of fireworks. we smoked a lot. i got light-headed. and then we slept in my mums room, because her bed is bigger than mine. that was it. happy new year from angel.